Pushing Through

Warning: I'm in the midst of some serious PMDD coupled with a neuro-herx, so anything I say in this post may reflect that.

The days since I returned from my vacation have been marked by herxes and much stress, the combination of which have only intensified the symptoms of my already-existent, Lyme-induced autism. Recently, I've had more and more days of not being able to deal with human interaction, because my brain can't connect with others, feels distant, closed off, introverted, awkward and anxious when I'm around others.

The downside to this, other than the obvious as stated above, is that it's hard on my friends, who are mostly the sensitive types. That's the type of people I attracted into my life over the years, because I was always one of them.

But due to the effects of all the supplements I take, and the die-off they produce, and the brain inflammation and other physiological changes to my brain and its hormones and chemicals, I'm not her anymore. I don't want to socialize or develop bonds because I can't. It feels foreign. It feels unnatural. It feels awkward. And it feels like my emotions are numbed, because I can't really feel much anymore. So I avoid people, and especially parties where people turn up in droves, but even one-on-one interactions with those who know me best, because I'm not even comfortable around my closest friends anymore. It's sad.

Still, I'm "bonding" with other Lymies through our shared experiences. It helps me so much to hear others explain the scientific reasons for these changes, and to hear I'm not the only one with these autistic symptoms. It's also easier to connect with the Lyme network since it's online, not face-to-face, because it's the more personal (and in-person) interactions that are the hardest.

In Myers-Briggs lingo, I've gone from an ENFJ to sometimes-INFJ and other-times-INTJ. My results go back and forth between the latter two types, but no more ENFJ. (Earlier this month, I felt more like an ENFJ again when I stopped all my meds to travel.)

Today was a particularly challenging day. As I mentioned in my opening line, I'm plagued with some pretty nasty PMDD at the moment, but I'm also feeling autistic and neurologically inflamed (i.e. herxing from my anti-microbials and anti-parasitics). Three disastrous situations overlapping--uh oh.

Well, today I spent several hours rehearsing with my band for tomorrow's studio recording session. For those of you who don't know, I sing and compose music for a five-piece alt-rock/folk/pop band in San Mateo, California. We've been meeting once or twice a week for a total of two hours per session since before I started Lyme treatment. So, generally this equals about two to four hours of practicing music per week. It's as much as I can handle (and kind of points to my inability to work full-time, since, well, how could I hold a job when I can only focus for two-hour periods before I mentally and physically crash?)

My bandmates can attest to the above. They've seen how, at many--if not most--of our sessions this year, I've become completely spaced and fatigued by the end of our sessions.

Anyway, today we brought in a sixth band member, a cellist we hired to record with us tomorrow. We taught her the parts and went through them many times. Before we were done, I felt the pangs of neurological swelling kick in, but I pushed through. My singing became quiet, unstable, hoarse, and somewhat off pitch. Luckily I sunk back into the couch (God forbid I have to stand at practice!)

Then the anxiety kicked in. Oh, the lovely anxiety. And when I get what's classified as "social anxiety", I only become more talkative, so I'm sure I started rambling nonsensically in between songs. By the time everyone was wrapping up their gear to go, my brain fog had kicked in so bad that I couldn't concentrate or hold a thought. All my brain cells felt dead. I couldn't get myself off the couch.

Luckily, there are certain things that help in these situations: Neuro Anti-tox, chlorella, Neurotrans, and chloroxygen. (All of these can be googled if you're curious. I'm too tired to explain what they do.) So I came home as fast as I could so I could take my meds!

Tomorrow my band is in the recording studio for ten hours. Add in the commute time, and it's going to be an almost-12-hour day, which is almost unimaginable for me in the state I'm in. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it, but at least I won't be performing the majority of the time--rather, listening to others lay down tracks. The plan is to hit my bed early tonight, perhaps take a sleeping pill to fight always-problematic insomnia, and take my supporting meds with me to the studio tomorrow.

Thanks, everyone, for reading my blog. Goodnight!